Not so flexible after all

I tend to think of myself as a pretty flexible, laid back, go-with-the-flow type gal. Groovy.

Oh wait. I'm beginning to see that it might be time to rethink this position. To my credit, I really am pretty laid back about most things, however, I've noticed in the last few years that there are a few things that have made me think maybe I'm not as easy going as I thought.

Having my best laid plans messed up rates high on my list of things that can throw me for a loop, put me in a thunderous mood, and generally take a pep talk from-myself-to-myself in order to recover. I HATE - err, strongly dislike - when I have my day mapped out, and something or someone comes along and pulls the rug out from under my plans. In my mind I know exactly how things will go, and plan accordingly, in my mind. Sometimes the reason for the change in plans rests on my shoulders because I forgot to fill Dan in on how our day was going to go (see above - in my mind). Other times, it is things like cancellations (this morning for example), or having to wait & wait & wait for others to show up or things to get started (which is pretty funny considering I am not always the most timely person - although this has improved in recent years).

Really, I think what it boils down to is dissapointment and unmet expectations. I talked at great lenghts about these two things with my therapist, whom I started seeing after Connor was diagnosed. Seeing her has been wonderful for me, and she really helped to hilight the fact that dissapointment and unmet expectations play HUGE in my life. These two "little" things are also part of what makes it hard to have a son with autism. All of the hopes, dreams, & expectations I had for my child even before I was ever pregnant, while watching my prego belly grow, and when he was a baby have been shattered, destroyed, or replaced with more small, basic, measurable things. Things like looking me in the eye (check), talking (check with room to go), using his imagination (coming slowly but surely), and a whole smattering of other things that come naturally for typical children.

Then in turn is the frustration that comes with the unmet expectations and dissapointments. Frustration, yet another thing with which I struggle. Usually the frustration leads to tears, and/or a conversation with God, which leads to some form, big or small, of enlightenment usually in the form of a pep talk and a renewed "you can do it" attitude. I often walk away from these seemingly disastrous (in my mind) moments with a new approach, or just a better strategy for next time fill-in-the-blank occurs.

What this fabulous new self discovery has lead me to is a whole lot of self-awareness, and even some added self control. This has helped a ton, so that when I talk myself out of my thunderous mood there are not two little boys left as wounded casualties of the storm that is me in my most awful form. Which, really is great as, sadly, that only starts the cycle all over again.

I guess what is most important is to learn from all of the speedbumps I encounter and to move past what isn't going right and instead seek the positive. The whole lemonade philosophy . . . and geez, two "little" things on which I am not so flexible really isn't so bad after all.